It's high time now that I finally sit down to write to nobody but myself at length now, more so for these desperate moments and trying times of my life when I am utterly depressed and thoroughly fearful and hopeless with a deafening silence of utter despair and doom prevailing in the background of my mind always these days, as a common theme and a deep sense of failure on my part to restore it to order, no matter what I do or think of doing.
After feeling infinite varieties of emotions, I never wanted to feel and after living through infinite varieties of situations, I never wanted to live through, all because they all contained within them a darkness so intense, that you / one cannot call it anything else, give it any other name other than 'death' itself. 'Death' has totally and completely taken over my poor self, my poor soul, as goes the happenings of my recent past.
An order that cannot be restored, no matter how or what. A deeply spiritual trust that has been lost forever. A faith of my spirit which revealed it's healing powers and it's beauties and bounties only in these lost times, dark times, hard times, testing times. A spirit drained out of it's spirituality. Couldn't even imagine the unthinkable that had happened though I could sense it, it was right under my nose and all over my face since day one. But I wrongly thought that all my efforts were keeping it from happening. I would have gladly expended those efforts forever, if it were all it took. But that's not how it was meant to be !
So merciless. So completely merciless. It was like living a thousand deaths in a single moment. So pitiless and so pathetic would have been my state, if it were not for the ever-present 'never say die' fighting spirit within me, within my heart. It's a feeling of surviving even after 'living' has been over / lost.
All my hopes, my dreams of yesterday, all come crashing down, all of a sudden due to no fault of my own. It was the face to face 'encounter with Satan'. My very first one, if you will. These things always turn out to be harder than expected especially when the things you think you can fall back on or rely upon to face these things ('encounter with Satan'), are the very same ones that betray you, or rather the same people 'who' betray you and make you 'face these things'.
This gives me an undeniable proof that the world is evil, every person of the world is evil and nobody is up to any good. They sure are going to burn in hell fire. I too, if I am not up to the mark. (I preach and practice intellectual honesty here. :) ) They all are (the people of the world) only to be used, if at all they can be used and they all are only to use me, if at all they can use me. Every person's priority is set and nobody plays an important role or a higher part in anyone's list. There is always betrayal. Sometimes it comes soon, sometimes it comes later. But at all times, it is never easy and never expected. That's why it is, 'betrayal' otherwise 'betrayal' would be no 'betrayal' at all if it were easy and expected. A part of myself has died, has been killed and there's nothing that can be done about it.
It is dead and it has gone forever. Never to be retrieved ever. The pain was like crazy all these days, when 'it' was dying and it did take 'it,' a long time to die even when in fact, it was already shot dead on that terrible day in December, that I will always remember.
Sometimes it (the betrayal) doesn't come at all and that's when you get finally lucky and should you realize that this mate, this person will happily be willing to die with you, if the moment of death arrives knocking at your door, and if they are not able to keep you away from even dying at all, in the first place. You have money and power around you, you attract tons of chicks who want to live with you. But the biggest question is who wants to die with you ? And you won't find a positive answer to that question until you find the one, if you are lucky. And before having found that one, you have to go through a situation with them that rarely occurs in this world, but nevertheless occurs, which would prove their authenticity to you, if you are lucky !
Such was the force or the loving intensity of my love, that it shone and burnt in my heart or rather, burnt my heart with the intensity of a thousand bright stars shining simultaneously, all merged together, in the sky and the powerful / amazing force of darkness it all required, to suddenly start the process of killing all of it. I knew it would take days and even months and each day would seem centuries. And so it took 33 Centuries to kill my love, and still counting...
On the other hand, it feels great to have experienced 'death' when I still belong to the 'living' but I do wonder, 'What can I make for myself, of this experience in the future, in my future and in my life?' My friend tells me to take the positives from my experience, leave all the negative shit behind and move on. Quite logical. But isn't my 'moving on' is always gonna be different from his 'moving on' ? Yet I do understand the importance of picking up positive seeds from every experience to nurture one's own future growth. Yes there are positive seeds in every adversity, if a man / woman seeks them, they shall always find them, no matter how bad their adversity.
I know it's implications (for my future) are many and I will know each of them while I take my time to 'rise,' while I take my time to complete recovery. The road is long but I have already travelled much of it. If knowledge is precious, then the 'knowing' that my life is 'precious,' is even more precious. This road to recovery might want to take me to downtrodden places which I do not wish to traverse and which I shall not traverse and scrupulously ignore / avoid. The things that are destined to end, will always end, no matter who you are or how good you are. The highest level of 'dread' and 'death' with all their emotions and feelings have come to visit upon me with all their intensity and darkness and have come to stay in my life as my 'uninvited permanent guest,' or so it seams...
A big thing, now suddenly destroyed. Death and hell is always associated dread, pain, torment, eternal sorrow and suffering, and vice versa. But many of us do get to experience all this, upon this plane of existence itself, our very own planet earth, while we live. An experience of eternal insatiety
and inadequacy, a failure to 'live up to' my dreams, a moment, or rather those specific moments which we had imagined 'together' or dreamt 'together' or so I 'thought'. I was only being fooled. Though I could not have done anything about it, or what I did was not appropriate (though that seems plausible cause I did all I could and possibly more, to keep her happy) or that, I may have simply lacked enough power and money to gain her attention, give her all she wants, even when 'I' was not in that list. Some circumstances and situations in life are such that, you need something badly and you are or rather become hopelessly addicted badly to the person that you need without realizing that 'that person' himself / herself has been manipulative and created that addiction within the deepest core of your being without you even 'realizing' it. It works as good or as bad as substance abuse, drug abuse, depending on which side of the situation you are in.
As far as an opportunity remains for something dark, something evil, some 'son of Satan' to enter my life, as I understand now, they / he will enter. They / he will enter through that hole, through my weakness, if I failed to strengthen it with my knowledge or my wisdom. It will always come to shape me, destroy me, change me and mould me (after destroying me) into something better out of myself and ourselves, as individuals. My destruction happened and it did happen in an isolated chamber (I would have much preferred a 'Concentration Camp') but it was only a 'movie' of which I had seen various 'trailers' of, all of them being different from the rest in my life many a times before. So it wasn't really a big deal, even if it really was a big deal. My isolated chamber did give me new skills in the form of stunt riding which I perform every day at night and which in itself now feels so boring and like a 'prison,' albeit a new one. But it grows old and, it is old already.
Alas! My capacity for boredom is infinite. Nothing excites me any more. Even an adrenaline rush now, is not enough for me. For stunt riding the motorcycle was not done only because I wanted to do it, but because there was little or no difference left, or so I could feel, between 'living' and 'dying,' between I being alive or dead. I will conclude by leaving a question for myself, for my 'life' and that is, 'When will I be able to love myself again ?' I ask this because it is not possible to love someone ever again (in my case), or rather love someone at all, unless I / the person loves himself / herself, first. Not many people know me but when they finally do 'know' me, they know that I am a force to reckon with. Not an easy guy, not an easy mind. Not an easy mind to fool and not an easy guy to shun. The world can ignore me only for so long I choose to ignore myself and my hungers, my passions, my cravings and my thirsts.
A N U J C H U G H
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