The Gospel Of Death

Even the most beautiful crystal shard formation of snowflakes are destined to be broken into pieces and shattered out of existence, reaching their melting point from the sun's heat which devours them or / from the seasonal change. Nothing lasts forever. Beauty is temporary. Everything is doomed - slowly but surely. The plans you make today about tomorrow, be sure you are never going to witness that happiness. Each human being's existence is a desperation. Each bound and unique by their own. Every day you are defeated. Every day is a fucking loss. Every day is your fucking loss. Every day is a fucking defeat. Every day, you are defeated. Your goals are fantasies beyond your achievement. Every day is a life spent in prison. Another day to be hurt. Every day is a false hope, a fake promise of the things that cannot be renewed, salvaged or brought back. Every day is a reminisce of the days spent, of a life lost. Faith renewed and the faith lost. The various mistakes of a Past that cannot be brought back, that can never be brought back and the inevitable hopelessness and the resulting lust for fantasizing suicide, cause' I know that I won't really contemplate it. This life is just to sacred to take such thoughts seriously or to attempt to take one's own life. Every day is an attempt for a remedy or an antidote to the things that we really want to avoid in the day to day struggle of life rather than going for the things we really wish for, the things we really want or hope for. Hope is a beggar. The feeling of hope can only give us hopelessness. For hope is, not really hope at all. Hope is only a beggar that it is. For your ever present reality in life, your ever present journey in life, is only deathbound. Life is a never ending struggle to become what you could never really become. To attain to your nothingness. To retain your status of nobody or just 'a face in the crowd'. The desperation people, the world can mock at or laugh at. Or you are all the unpleasantness that there is, that is best left ignored. Things like that. Every day death. A minor one. A minor death. Cause' Thou shall not die, but die a thousand deaths, until you die One...  

A N U J  C H U G H   

The Darker Shades Of My Life...I Mean, 'The Darkest,' Yet !!

It's high time now that I finally sit down to write to nobody but myself at length now, more so for these desperate moments and trying times of my life when I am utterly depressed and thoroughly fearful and hopeless with a deafening silence of utter despair and doom prevailing in the background of my mind always these days, as a common theme and a deep sense of failure on my part to restore it to order, no matter what I do or think of doing. 

After feeling infinite varieties of emotions, I never wanted to feel and after living through infinite varieties of situations, I never wanted to live through, all because they all contained within them a darkness so intense, that you / one cannot call it anything else, give it any other name other than 'death' itself. 'Death' has totally and completely taken over my poor self, my poor soul, as goes the happenings of my recent past.

An order that cannot be restored, no matter how or what. A deeply spiritual trust that has been lost forever. A faith of my spirit which revealed it's healing powers and it's beauties and bounties only in these lost times, dark times, hard times, testing times. A spirit drained out of it's spirituality. Couldn't even imagine the unthinkable that had happened though I could sense it, it was right under my nose and all over my face since day one. But I wrongly thought that all my efforts were keeping it from happening. I would have gladly expended those efforts forever, if it were all it took. But that's not how it was meant to be !

So merciless. So completely merciless. It was like living a thousand deaths in a single moment. So pitiless and so pathetic would have been my state, if it were not for the ever-present 'never say die' fighting spirit within me, within my heart. It's a feeling of surviving even after 'living' has been over / lost.

All my hopes, my dreams of yesterday, all come crashing down, all of a sudden due to no fault of my own. It was the face to face 'encounter with Satan'. My very first one, if you will. These things always turn out to be harder than expected especially when the things you think you can fall back on or rely upon to face these things ('encounter with Satan'), are the very same ones that betray you, or rather the same people 'who' betray you and make you 'face these things'.

This gives me an undeniable proof that the world is evil, every person of the world is evil and nobody is up to any good. They sure are going to burn in hell fire. I too, if I am not up to the mark. (I preach and practice intellectual honesty here. :) ) They all are (the people of the world) only to be used, if at all they can be used and they all are only to use me, if at all they can use me. Every person's priority is set and nobody plays an important role or a higher part in anyone's list. There is always betrayal. Sometimes it comes soon, sometimes it comes later. But at all times, it is never easy and never expected. That's why it is, 'betrayal' otherwise 'betrayal' would be no 'betrayal' at all if it were easy and expected. A part of myself has died, has been killed and there's nothing that can be done about it.

It is dead and it has gone forever. Never to be retrieved ever. The pain was like crazy all these days, when 'it' was dying and it did take 'it,' a long time to die even when in fact, it was already shot dead on that terrible day in December, that I will always remember. 

Sometimes it (the betrayal) doesn't come at all and that's when you get finally lucky and should you realize that this mate, this person will happily be willing to die with you, if the moment of death arrives knocking at your door, and if they are not able to keep you away from even dying at all, in the first place. You have money and power around you, you attract tons of chicks who want to live with you. But the biggest question is who wants to die with you ? And you won't find a positive answer to that question until you find the one, if you are lucky. And before having found that one, you have to go through a situation with them that rarely occurs in this world, but nevertheless occurs, which would prove their authenticity to you, if you are lucky ! 

Such was the force or the loving intensity of my love, that it shone and burnt in my heart or rather, burnt my heart with the intensity of a thousand bright stars shining simultaneously, all merged together, in the sky and the powerful / amazing force of darkness it all required, to suddenly start the process of killing all of it. I knew it would take days and even months and each day would seem centuries. And so it took 33 Centuries to kill my love, and still counting...        

On the other hand, it feels great to have experienced 'death' when I still belong to the 'living' but I do wonder, 'What can I make for myself, of this experience in the future, in my future and in my life?' My friend tells me to take the positives from my experience, leave all the negative shit behind and move on. Quite logical. But isn't my 'moving on' is always gonna be different from his 'moving on' ? Yet I do understand the importance of picking up positive seeds from every experience to nurture one's own future growth. Yes there are positive seeds in every adversity, if a man / woman seeks them, they shall always find them, no matter how bad their adversity.

I know it's implications (for my future) are many and I will know each of them while I take my time to 'rise,' while I take my time to complete recovery. The road is long but I have already travelled much of it. If knowledge is precious, then the 'knowing' that my life is 'precious,' is even more precious. This road to recovery might want to take me to downtrodden places which I do not wish to traverse and which I shall not traverse and scrupulously ignore / avoid. The things that are destined to end, will always end, no matter who you are or how good you are. The highest level of 'dread' and 'death' with all their emotions and feelings have come to visit upon me with all their intensity and darkness and have come to stay in my life as my 'uninvited permanent guest,' or so it seams...

A big thing, now suddenly destroyed. Death and hell is always associated dread, pain, torment, eternal sorrow and suffering, and vice versa. But many of us do get to experience all this, upon this plane of existence itself, our very own planet earth, while we live. An experience of eternal insatiety

and inadequacy, a failure to 'live up to' my dreams, a moment, or rather those specific moments which we had imagined 'together' or dreamt 'together' or so I 'thought'. I was only being fooled. Though I could not have done anything about it, or what I did was not appropriate (though that seems plausible cause I did all I could and possibly more, to keep her happy) or that, I may have simply lacked enough power and money to gain her attention, give her all she wants, even when 'I' was not in that list. Some circumstances and situations in life are such that, you need something badly and you are or rather become hopelessly addicted badly to the person that you need without realizing that 'that person' himself / herself has been manipulative and created that addiction within the deepest core of your being without you even 'realizing' it. It works as good or as bad as substance abuse, drug abuse, depending on which side of the situation you are in.           

As far as an opportunity remains for something dark, something evil, some 'son of Satan' to enter my life, as I understand now, they / he will enter. They / he will enter through that hole, through my weakness, if I failed to strengthen it with my knowledge or my wisdom. It will always come to shape me, destroy me, change me and mould me (after destroying me) into something better out of myself and ourselves, as individuals. My destruction happened and it did happen in an isolated chamber (I would have much preferred a 'Concentration Camp') but it was only a 'movie' of which I had seen various 'trailers' of, all of them being different from the rest in my life many a times before. So it wasn't really a big deal, even if it really was a big deal. My isolated chamber did give me new skills in the form of stunt riding which I perform every day at night and which in itself now feels so boring and like a 'prison,' albeit a new one. But it grows old and, it is old already.

Alas! My capacity for boredom is infinite. Nothing excites me any more. Even an adrenaline rush now, is not enough for me. For stunt riding the motorcycle was not done only because I wanted to do it, but because there was little or no difference left, or so I could feel, between 'living' and 'dying,' between I being alive or dead. I will conclude by leaving a question for myself, for my 'life' and that is, 'When will I be able to love myself again ?' I ask this because it is not possible to love someone ever again (in my case), or rather love someone at all, unless I / the person loves himself / herself, first. Not many people know me but when they finally do 'know' me, they know that I am a force to reckon with. Not an easy guy, not an easy mind. Not an easy mind to fool and not an easy guy to shun. The world can ignore me only for so long I choose to ignore myself and my hungers, my passions, my cravings and my thirsts.

A N U J  C H U G H

Living For Own's Own Material Goals Is So Gay !!

Now read this imaginary conversation I had with an imaginary stranger in the future :-

(Hint: He was a stranger to me in the same way, as I was to him.)

The year is 2025. The World is remarkably different from what it is today. Basically, all the problems are solved and no real problem seems to exist or even arise any more. Humanity has changed drastically and few of them in the know credit all the happenings to the existence of a shadow man, The One who prefers to pull all the strings from Behind-the-scenes. Legend has it that he has changed the world single affects through his extreme wealth. But nobody has really met him, they say. All they know is the person is extremely powerful and a living genius and has brought forth such radical positive development and created structures which have managed to sustain themselves through the use of Domino effects, Snowball effects, and many other God knows what cause-and-effect strategies, he did employ while at the same time manipulating corrupt politicians to do his bidding, for the good by using his endless influence, intelligence and engaging in various dynamics across all industries. Recently, a person from Florida did report his meeting with this 'shadow-man'. And all the transcript of the conversation has been duly recorded and reported by him as best as he could recall. Here it is :-

The Stranger: What do you do for a living ?

Me: I am a Businessman.

The Stranger: Oh That's Good !! What kind of Business are you in?

Me: I am in the Business of taking away people's pain and suffering as 

far as it is possible for me to do so.

The Stranger: That doesn't seem like much of a profitable idea.

Me: That may seem to be it. However that's not true, I do make extreme profits. Profits so extreme, that only a few in this world can ever attain !!

The Stranger: LOL ! If that is true, then you must be on the Forbes list of Billionaire.

Who are you ? What is your name ?

Me: I am not, cause I have given away far more Billions than what your regular Billionaires can even earn. I have kept nothing with myself and yet my profits await in Heaven!

The Stranger: But There's no Heaven!

Me: Can there be any other Heaven other than that in knowing that I have lived a Perfect life and I am at Peace with my Creator ?

The Stranger: There's no Creator! Are you for real ? Now, you seem to me to be a crazy lunatic!

Me: If I am so then, why do you bother with this conversation ? Do you aspire to be one too ?

The Stranger: No I don't. Even when I believe you, I am really curious to know about what you have really gained by your so-called life-long altruism ?

Me: You see the world around you ? Isn't it beautiful ? 

Me: It is so because I rearranged it to be so, by pulling the velvet poltical strings with my hand in the glove globally !!

Me: I used the seemingly unlimited and endless resources of my mind, body and soul and all the talents that my Creator gifted me with since the day I was born, to bring this dream into existence.

Me: And now that it is done, I am prepared to meet my Creator!

The Stranger: But you still seem young to me. I mean, still young for death to visit you!

Me: It May be so. But, I believe my purpose in life has been well served and I have done all that, that I needed to do over hear. On this planet, under the shining sun, I believe that my work is now complete and I have no regrets about anything. I am now finally, at peace with myself. Does this suffice your curiosity ?

The Stranger: Yeah, I think so. I have always strived for my own material gains, throughout my life and got nowhere near fulfilling my wild, never ending ambitions. I used dirty tactics and made this world a nasty place...A place, which you had taken upon yourself to clean up. What would I not trade to exchange places with you, you lucky Son of a bitch!                

A N U J  C H U G H

Mystery of Existence and How to Solve it by Using Elements of Reason and Truth.

The beginning of the universe is shrouded in mystery and as such, it cannot be conceived by limited conceptual thinking of human minds. If you consider, that the creation began at some point then, automatically the picture of the time frame of such event comes into play.

Humans were not even there to observe, as it were far beyond the event horizon. However, if you can date the origin of the universe, then what, if at all, pre-dates such origins ?

The answers containing the secrets of life, universe and everything are only to be found in the concept of zero and infinity.

We are finite beings, with our finite minds, having a finite existence. Our lifespans are limited and so, is the hope for unravelling the mysteries of existence, for an individual, in his / her limited lifetime. The only hope for one is to subscribe to the Hindu philosophy of perfecting oneself so as to evolve and grow spiritually, so as to further liberate one's Self from the bondage this world, inevitably creates or results in.

Whether we face it or not, whether we accept it or not; we all live in our limited prisons, our very own self-limiting prisons of our minds, egos and our lives. No matter what good we gain, what good we experience; we, as humans, are never truly satisfied and are given to such endless cravings, until we reach our graves. 

We want growth and progress in our personal lives, both for ourselves and our loved ones. We want to experience happiness and we hope continually for success, joys and fruits of material pursuits, which engages us and keeps us busy, before we realize that we are running out of time and that, the death is near.

Throughout our lives, our main quest is for happiness / bliss, that is ananda. We also are self-aware, aware of our existence, in fact we have to be as without it, there will be no conscious human experience of life and life would be like that of plants or animals only with their most basic instincts, so it is chitta. Every human being knows deep in their heart that truth is the prime force, which is the most powerful and to which all humans, good or otherwise, have to be subject to. Even the most evil person in the world knows that some day he / she will have to answer to the higher authority of 'Truth,' though they can easily fool the masses, or have already deceived them by controlling the media, rewriting the documents after having destroyed the originals and hence, not letting the truth slip away, at all costs. Hence, 'the truth' or sat.

God allows so much suffering in the world because God simply, does not care. Our lives and conditions of it, in this material world are entirely our own responsibility and our own business, which we have to mind, settle, learn from, experience, adjust or die, accordingly. You can, one can easily say, that 'There's no God,' but the true 'anatomy' of God is your own anatomy and the mechanisms of God, the way how God operates, is your own true mechanism. It is your own 'will,' if you choose to ignore it, or use it freely. 

In a way each one is a victim to each's own stupidity, in that, Einstein was also sure about. If you are careless and drive recklessly, you will meet with an accident; there's nothing that God gotta do or can do anything about. You work your own miracles, during times of need, through the talents and powers of your own instrument cluster, i.e. mind, body and soul, which is 'Godly,' if not God-given. 'Do what thou will shall be the whole of the law.' But choose accordingly, with regards to all possible consequences of your actions, which you will have to inevitably face, at some point in the future, if not 'now' or 'sooner.'

The secret to happiness, success, well-being, fame and wealth is, 'to stop fighting with oneself,' and let your life flow in the natural path. Let your productivity, your time and your effort flow without any reservations, with all your creative juices and without you holding anything back. You suffer when you lie to yourself. In fact, you suffer the most. Do you want to live in the light of The Truth ? Or do you want to keep on struggling against yourself ? You gotta be and stay, sensible for your life to be good, in your life and throughout, for all practical purposes. 

If you want your life to work out, you have to stop living your life like 'in a prison,' with your age-old negative-limited thinking. You gotta expand, you have to expand. Things you believe, now and the things you used to believe, then; are entirely different and so, are not true any more. You have to change according to the new situations. You have to adjust yourself to the needs and demands of the present.

It's easy to be lazy, to be stupid, and do nothing and hard to be and do, an exact opposite of all these things. Miracles do not happen, it takes work to get something worth having. It takes pain to get to that one moment of your life that really makes it worth 'the living', that which we all commonly call 'happiness.' Hard labour, work, effort, action and initiatives; should be your focal points in life.

A N U J  C H U G H    

Desire, The Root Cause of Pain and Progress.

All powerlessness comes from a 'state of wanting and feeling of inadequacy, of what one has, to be insufficient or lesser than 'ideal'.' All mental sufferings come from a desire. Be it a desire, for a particular event to take place or for a want to be fulfilled. That want can be anything, an object, money, peace and solitude or a person. Any person existing on planet earth, in the solar system of the milky way galaxy in the universe, is unhappy only because they have wants, they desire. They desire an experience, they desire something different. That is to say, they are not happy now. They may know what they want or they may not, that does not make any difference. But they all have one thing in particular, the one thing that is so common about them all, about us all that it has simply become a universal truth, that they / we all fail to realise nay, even acknowledge the fact that the sense of insufficiency, the dissatisfaction itself is the cause of each one's unhappiness. 

Throughout the history of mankind, each person willingly pursued their desires, chased them, fought for them, ran behind them and hence, kept themselves busy so, they didn't even get a chance to wait and ponder before it was all over. This life, their brief sojourn upon earth was all but gone. Maybe they did everything meaningful and purposeful with their lives, made a mark, left a legacy and died a peaceful death. But they could not help, but be subject to this desire mechanism, that is running the lives of all men and all women in the history of human civilization, and that is what solely runs the human species, in my opinion. That's what made our civilization progress, prosper and advance in sciences, arts or in any of the human endeavours such as, hi-fi technology and extreme engineering. One generation discovers and unearths new knowledge, methods and ideas, to be used and build up upon, by the subsequent generations. This leads to an exponential rise in knowledge and the rate of progress. Humans never stop at anything, as it is inbuilt in us to desire, to overcome, to know, to improve and to aspire for better.

It all gives us, both pain and progress. But can we bypass this 'desiring mechanism,' which is so ingrained in us, and is at the core of our existence, the very flesh and bones? A human's life and memory is such that the memory of every moment, every hour and every day becomes too much to keep and is lost, hence repeating history, by repeating mistakes. That should be and is perhaps, the greatest reason to study history, so as not to forget the repeated miseries of the past, and the pain and suffering borne, as a result. Your days become burdensome because you fail to infuse within yourself fresh enthusiasm, be it through the use of an external device such as, an inspirational book, an adventure or any other form of recreation, provided that it works. Hence, it becomes very clear that the goal of every individual is to advance, to evolve and not stagnate and nullify progress. You will be happy only to the extent that you risk and learn something new each day, by getting out of your comfort zone, in situations and at times, when you deem wise. You may not be able to help but be stuck in the rut, in many aspects of your life. Yet there are some new things you can try, learn or do every day. Above all, keep in mind that you are hindering progress, if you are not doing so, even if it be at the expense of momentary personal pain. You can use this moment, your time is now.

A N U J  C H U G H      

Concerning Conflicting Ideas, Conflicts and Contradicting ideas of your mind and their Destructiveness.

'Why is your life so difficult?,' you may ask. Why were you overcome by folly and committed a grave error, made a wrong choice, failed to be on time at work, did that destructive act, caused by your impulsiveness at the moment? Why is life, a flux of endless change? Why do you have to always remain as a victim of life, in some way or the other, despite what you do and what changes you incorporate and implement in your life, in yourself? Life bothers us all, no doubt about that. And it does more than anything else, cause we have to go through it all. We have no other option. It's like, 'Do we have a choice?' No, sarcastically.

Some people have ended their lives by committing that one act of treason and butchery against themselves, i.e. suicide. Is suicide a solution? Obviously, no. It isn't? But they can't see the light of it, unfortunately, when they are overcome with deep despair, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness; at that damned moment, when making that damned move. For some insensitive people, other people who don't matter in their 'Great scheme of life,' are a 'help' in getting rid of the surplus population, as if they were paying the health bills and the medical bills of the deceased. In the modern world, in the modern age; people are insensitive, and people will be insensitive hence, expect them to be so, beforehand.

The life you have is your responsibility. People have descended the levels of selfishness and arrogance, but you must make sure that your life does not suffers the evils of other 'invisible men and women,' whom you cannot point at, directly and their names, you do not even know. All the nasty people in the world are a cause for stress, conflicting ideas and hypocrisy in your mind. The question which then remains, is only this - Will you imbibe the wrong, immoral ideas of our political brethren, and make them your role-models, in an act of involuntary submission to the status quo, by becoming 'helpless,' or will you be intelligent enough to fight the evil by living your life and moulding your character, your own way?

We unconsciously tend to imitate the behaviours of our superiors, seniors, our bosses in the workplace, starlets, 'heroes,' celebrities and people who have achieved a considerable fame. We simply adore them, consciously or unconsciously. We are bombarded by the media about the lifestyles of those we adore and the cars they drive. We see them everywhere, on the big screens, on the big banners and featuring in the endless stream of new movies produced every year. We are hypnotized and mesmerized, without our knowing. We have lost our individuality and we no longer know what we want to be, what is wrong, what is right, other than that which is portrayed on the television screen, right in front of our very own eyes.

We want to be the exploiters rather than the exploited cause we have become very sure that it is the only way the society works and 'the only way,' society could ever work. Though we complain about people who harass, rule and exploit as 'unjust and evil,' we secretly would want to be like them, if given a chance or when the right opportunity appears. This is how corruption works, this is how the whole system tends to get obsolete, become degraded and most importantly, this is how faith, the only real virtue, is destroyed. And we all know what happens when faith is destroyed, and the general consensus of the people is mistrust, anger and hatred.

It is all human nature. When we compete, we compete only to win. For a dog-eat-dog world to arise, there has to be a significant number of dogs already, in the system, to begin with. These dogs are our leaders, these 'dogs' become our leaders through our very own 'mass consent.' We all are consenting to it, we all are fine with it, we all are 'okay' with having all the wrong, criminal people in our midst, in our administration. We consent through our silence, because we don't have time for 'all this.' We have other important matters that require our immediate attention, we have to feed and fend for our own families rather than caring about the neighbours getting raped or killed!!

A N U J  C H U G H

The Closest You Can Ever Come To The Ultimate Understanding Of Our Universe / The Universe.

The beginning of the universe is shrouded in mystery and as such, it cannot be conceived by limited conceptual thinking of human minds. If you consider, that the Creation began at some point then, automatically the picture of the time frame of such event comes into play. Humans were not even around to observe, as it were far beyond the event horizon. 

However, if you can date the origin of the universe, then what, if at all, predates such origins? The answers containing the secrets of life, universe and everything are only to be found in the concept of zero and infinity. We are finite beings, with our finite minds, having a finite existence. Our lifespans are limited and so, is the scope for unravelling the mysteries of existence, for an individual, in his / her limited lifetime. 

The only hope for one is to subscribe to the hindu philosophy of perfecting oneself so as to evolve and grow spiritually, so as to further liberate oneself from the bondage this world, inevitably creates or results in. Whether we face it or not, whether we accept it or not; we all live in our limited prisons, our very own self-limiting prisons of our minds, egos and our lives. No matter what good we gain, what good we experience; we, as humans, are never truly satisfied and are given to such endless cravings, until we reach our graves.

We want growth and progress in our personal lives, both for ourselves and our loved ones. We want to experience happiness and we hope continually for success, joys and fruits of material pursuits, which engages us and keeps us busy before we realize that we are running out of time and that, the death is near. 

Throughout our lives, our main quest is for happiness / bliss, that is, ananda. We also are self-aware, aware of our existence, infact we have to be, as without it, there will be no conscious human experience of life, and life would be like that of plants or animals, with only their most basic instincts, so it is chitta or self-awareness. 

Every human being knows deep in their heart that truth is the prime force, which is the most powerful and to which all humans, good or otherwise, are and have to be subject to, in due course of time. Even the most evil person in the world knows that someday he/she will have to answer to the higher authority of 'Truth,' though they can easily fool the masses, or have already deceived them by controlling the media, rewriting the documents after having destroyed the originals and hence, not letting the truth slip away, at all costs.

Hence, 'the truth,' or Sat. God allows so much suffering in the world because God simply, does not care. Our lives and conditions of it, in this material world are entirely our own responsibility and our own business, which we have to mind, settle, learn from, experience, adjust or die, accordingly, ourselves. God has got nothing to do with it. In many ways, 'God' is a religious fallacy, an invention, a belief system.

You can, one can, easily say that 'there's no God,' but the true anatomy of God is your own miraculous 'anatomy,' and the mechanisms of God, the way how God operates, is your own true mechanism. It is your own 'will,' if you choose to ignore it, or use it freely. In a way, each one is a victim, to each's own stupidity, just as Einstein was also sure about.

If you are careless and drive recklessly, you will meet with an accident; there's nothing that 'God' gotta do, or can do, anything about. You work your own miracles, during times of need, through the talents and powers of your own instrument cluster, i.e. mind, body and soul, which are godly, if not 'God-given.' 'Do what thou will, shall be the whole of the law.' Just like the way Thelema states, but choose accordingly, with regards to all possible consequences of your actions, which you will have to inevitably face, at some point in the future, if not 'now' or 'sooner.' 


A N U J  C H U G H